So..can you tell I can’t sleep? This 3 to 4 hour at a time sleep pattern is killing me. YUCK!! Daddy’s starting to think I can’t sleep with him if he’s in the bed. It’s totally not true. I’m just getting use to sleeping like 4 hours and then getting up for a bit before I go back to sleep. Shockers of all shockers I didn’t even take a nap yesterday either!

“So let me get this straight…when you don’t feel well you can’t sleep…but when you do feel well all you do is sleep??”

Ok this is not what I brought you all here for. What I am blogging about is that while in my tired but wide-eyed state I was reading blogs, doing some organizational maitanence, etc…and went to my google analytics page just to see how many of you there are out there. First off…you guys are cool. I have 59 people who RSS me and who knows how many more who don’t know what RSS is who just click in now and then.

But what I found TOTALLY cool was all the different places people are from. There are a bunch of people in the US. I would kind of expect that…but the list of places people from all over the world read me from is amazing. The following is a list of all the places you people come from. You are so cool! A huge shout out to all of you even if you have never spoken to me.

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A friend of mine is not having a good day. Lots of things have unfortunately gone wrong today. It’s an especially bad day memory wise for them as well. Please send your good thoughts. They would be appreciated by them and by me as well. Thanks.

Sometimes, you realize you were so horribly wrong about something it makes you want to crawl under a rock in shame. I never commented much on what happened to my first try at having a bf/fwb. One day he was here. The next he wasn’t. It was my intention not to mention details or tell my side, or whatever because I didn’t want it to be a he said/she said kinda thing. I didn’t want people I’d been introduced to to think I was trying to start something.

Aside from how caught up I got in the concept of having a boyfriend and the dizzing neediness that came with that time period there’s only one thing I regret more about that period of time, and that’s that the other person wasn’t completely upfront and honest with me when he realized he didn’t want to continue. So much of me looking like an ass could have been avoided if there had only been honesty.

Obviously something happened that made me apparently feel the need to cryptically talk about this. I got nosey and saw that he’s got a gf now. I’m happy for him. Everyone deserves someone special for themselves. What I’m not happy with is all those comments that were stated to me that totally contradict him ‘having’ a gf as an excuse to leave.

I think one of the hardest things to do as a human is break a connection with another person, espeically if you’ve shared intimacy or had feelings of some kind with them.

Still…there are a lot of things I wish I could do over and at the same time know that I needed to do them the way they happened to be able to learn. It sucks…bigtime. But that’s part of the game I guess.

As I mentioned the other day I want to get back into working out. There are a few reasons. 1) I want to look better for myself. 2) I want to look better to others. 3) I’d really love to get my navel ring and my dedication tattoo.

So I re-measured myself yesterday and thought I’d put up the comparison chart from the last time I did. I gained a bit. It is always weird to me though how I can have gained in both inches and weight yet I can get into size 8 jeans anyway. Weird.

Didn’t manage to work out today but I’m running a fever and a serious headache. I think I’m allowed.
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I haven’t spoken in a while about my involvement in the lifestyle or how my submission has been. I didn’t want to include this topic in my last post so I decided to seperate it into another entry.

Last night we went to TES to support Tats for her Rape Play meeting. She did a really great job and I know that everyone really enjoyed it. She had a packed meeting and I think there were alot of “boys” there who were drawn by her involvement from Rapture and the domming she’s doing. I thought that was really great. A lot of people got alot out of her thoughts and sharing. She’s a good speaker cause she shares enough of her own personal experiences and feelings on what she’s talking about that you come away feeling like someone else understands what you like or where you are coming from. Feeling like it’s ok to enjoy sex and bdsm and being kinky. I think that’s part of what makes her such a great bdsm speaker.

I enjoyed the meeting. I got to sit next to Daddy during it and I enjoyed listing to everyone talk. I got a little uneasy near the end when someone asked about having someone around to help bulster you when the play is over and to help let you know that you aren’t bad for having these fantasies or that what you did was play and not something evil that you brought on yourself.

I don’t believe I’ve ever been raped. Once along long time ago I was making out with a boyfriend at the time. Somewhere along the line (I don’t remember much) I stopped wanting to do what we were doing. I remember telling him to stop and that I didn’t want to keep doing what we were doing. I even remember being so upset when it was over that I went and locked myself in the bathroom and cried. I remember apologizing outloud to another guy I was in love with but not dating over and over again. I don’t know why. I just remember saying it. I’ve never considered that rape. We were after all in the middle of getting in on when I changed my mind. I know alot of people would probably argue with it. I don’t really care to argue about it…but the reason I bring it up is that I never felt like this was a rape in the sense of simply not wanting any sexual involvement with the person at the time it happened.

Since then I’ve only had one other incident that’s occured on the edge of such a situation. Things stopped before they got out of hand but I can’t stop myself from going “maybe this was my fault. we did after all talk about a similar thing happeneing between us and so why are you shocked something like this is happening now.” This is what made me get a little upset near the end of the meeting last night. I got up to give Tat a hug right after her class ended and it was really nice. Daddy saw I was a little teary and gave me a hug too. I calmed down quickly enough. I’m mentioning it because I was a little surprised it took me off guard like that. I certainly don’t consider myself in the category as other people who’ve been attacked or violated. So I was a little taken aback that it got to me. Learn something everyday.

Later on during the circle I came back from a bathroom break and stopping to chat and knelt between the chairs of Daddy and Tat. It was a nice feeling. Daddy held my hand a little and put his arm around my shoulders later. It was a really great feeling. Very supportive, safe, owned. It’s some feelings I’ve been craving having for a while and only not had because life makes things like those moments take a back seat.

Last night was productive and good.

As I sat on the bench yesterday talking to one of the mother’s at karate I happened to notice one of the little boys who I have “adopted”. I do that now and then with particular students. One of them shows such strength, intelligence, sense of humor, and …vulnerability that my heart kind of reaches out to them. I often wonder if that’s the extent of my “mothering instinct” that refuses to be ignored. Nothing in me wants to have my own children. But I can’t help the fact that there are students at school that make me smile when they do well and dissapoint me when they don’t try as hard as I know they should.

So this one little boy…he’s the newest in the class. He’s like five and slightly heavy and trying his fricken guts out. The ab exercises always get him. Several times he’s been pushing so hard that he’s red in the face and he’s just on the edge of breaking down while he trys so hard not to. I’ve managed quite a few times to talk him through it, remind him to breath, encourage him to keep going, high five him when he’s gotten through it.

Yesterday I saw him about ready to crack while I was talking to one of the mothers and I pretty much got up in the middle of the converstation to go help him. I wasn’t changed since I wasn’t staying very long so I couldn’t go on the floor. I still had my boots on so I knelt at the edge of the floor (good thing he’s at the far back) just behind him while he was laying on the floor covering his face to hide the tears and breath through his pain and frustration. I started reminding him to breath and that it would be ok and that he was doing good, teasing him about his face being red and gave him a high five when he finished a set. He started to calm down and work hard without needing to break. I was really proud of him.

I wonder sometimes if years from now he’ll remember the one “teacher” at karate school who helped him stay sane. I doubt it but it’s a nice thought. The mother’s tell me I’m really good with the kids. They always encourage me when I feel bad that I’m yelling at their kids or giving them tons of pushups for being bad or getting an answer wrong. Several of them have MADE their children come and apologize to me when they’ve mouthed off to me and I’ve done my best not to take it personally. This is the reason I don’t mind going to teach for all that I complain about it.

I realized earlier while I was deciding what to write about today that this outlook I have towards the kids isn’t only for the kids. It’s for my friends and the people I care about. My therapist and psychiatrist told me last week that “selfish” isn’t a word they’d use to describe me when I told them I felt like I was. When I look at some of the things I ask for or want from people around me. Daddy went so far as to say he didn’t see me as selfish as much as self-centered. We all know I get me-centric alot. So maybe I’m not selfish but sometimes I still think I am.

Don’t know if there was a point but I thought I’d share.

Ok…a while back I did a SL scene with someone. It was seriously hot vamp erotica and I saved it cause it was so good. I can’t find it on my drive and I KNOW I sent it to one of you. Does anyone remember what I’m talking about? Do you have it?? Please!!!!

I’m so fricken stressed. I figured out why. At least part of it. I haven’t had my Nadolol for a few days. And, that, my friends is not good for the anxiety quotient. There are other stresses. Things better left unsaid.

I can tell you I had a good time at the TES party. It was some much needed R&R. I was able to be the Kimi that only comes out when the boots do.

I’ll write more later. Promise.

Just a quick note to catch you up. Today I did some work and played some WOW. One of the guys in the guild ran me through this huge dungeon and I made it to lv. 17. Yay!!

With the snow Tat couldn’t come up so we didn’t go to Red Lobster. I was really bummed but it happens. I still have to give Tat her present but she might have to wait a few days since she has to dog sit until the weekend is over. I got daddy a card and he let me sleep in some today.

Daddy wants you to all know about his new site. So…go check it out.