Lately I’ve been finding a lot of really great quotes and pretty profound thoughts in some of the books I’ve been reading. Later I’ll quote a fairly long piece from “White Night” by Jim Butcher. This was in the last book I read, “The Harlequin” by Laurell K Hamilton

Only love of a good woman will make a man question every choice, every action. Only love makes a warrior hesitate for fear that his lady will find him cruel. Only love makes a man both the best he will ever be, and the weakest. Sometimes all in the same moment.

So yesterday I attempted to start my “fake it till I make it” campaign. I believe I had moderate if not good success as I was fairly calm, self-assured, and rational yesterday. I sat down and tried to figure out where the ball started rolling at and I believe it came after I finished the two “hard level” soduku puzzles. As I sit here and write, I realize I may need to start doing them regularly because I feel smart when I can do one.

Later on yesterday, I went grocery shopping for the second time since I started my new meal plan. I didn’t go with a list this time. I simply mentally checked off what I needed and looked at other options via the nutritional content to pick food for the week. I also bought food for Daddy as he’s working on eating healthier too. Going by myself made me feel very grown up, independant. Very self-sufficient. Paying for it and carrying it to the car, and picking out the correct choices made me feel like I was capable of handling responsibilty well. Overall, I felt like I was headed in the right direction of my goals and that was a great boost to my motivation.

I help finish a big chunk of my new venture, Crystal Programming, yesterday as well. The site is live and here’s hoping it makes some revenue. (feel free to use the banner at the side to support the site). I know you guys must get tired of the billions of sites I make but I suppose RSS makes it easy to keep up with if you like going to them but don’t want to have to click constantly just to see if it’s been updated. I felt productive by being able to help finish the site. The ideas I came up with as far as how I wanted the icons to look for each product, the copy I wrote, and the prices made me feel very creative.

I dealt with a relationship issue yesterday and today and felt very good about the outcome. It may not be resolved but my rationality and realism is in tact and those are important things.

And lastly to cap off the night of accomplishments, I ran the school again while Sensei is away. Daddy was there to be the black belt on the floor and teach but it was on my shoulders to manage the desk, the kids, the new people, the money, the phone calls, and the other people who came in to teach. At one point I felt like a traffic cop as I stood off to the side of the floor watching each little patch of activity I had going. Daddy ran the regular kids through drills, I put a good teen teacher with a new student who’s smart and quick, I had 4 other teens helping with 4 other new kids not so fast, I was managing the parents and manning the phones. Occasionally the teens would come to me and go “ok what next” or “should we do x” and it felt good to be able to assess the situation and guide them to the next step. During my class I didn’t take the new adult and get out of the work out. I handed it off to someone else so I kept the responsibility and work of my workout. I also got a chance to practice a throw and it looks like I might actually have learned to pull it off in competition. All of those things made me feel good.

It all sums up to me feeling fairly good when I woke up this morning. Feeling motivated enough, not to go back to sleep but to get up and start working, start looking ahead of my day instead of dreading the drag through time until the next problem.

It’s going to be an ongoing process. I know there really isn’t going to be a day where I can let up on “faking it” but eventually the perpetual motion will be so strong that it will become easier and less work to keep my self-esteem going.

If you have self-esteem issues I recommend going to pick up “The Six Pillars of Self Esteem” by Nathaniel Branden. I’m not done with the book but it’s already helping I think.

Now go over and check out www.crystalprogramming.com!

So I’ve been reading The Six Pillars of Self Esteem by Nathaniel Brenden. Daddy recommended two of his books in place of Dr. Phil. Nathaniel Brenden was Ayn Rand’s lover so a lot of his views fall within objectivist standards but he still holds enough woo woo that I think I can learn a lot of things from his philosophy and thoughts.

Some of the things I’ve gained from it already is that…yes indeed…I am low in self esteem. He breaks it up into self-efficiency (belief in your thoughts and mind) and self-respect (belief that you have a right to be happy and are worth it). Sometimes I’m kinda higher in self-efficiency. I’m rarely high in self-respect unless I spend time kicking some boys’ ass. But there are so few around worth kicking. LOL

Another important factor is relying on yourself for your self-esteem…not outside factors or people. There is a reason why people say “you have to love yourself first”.

It’s a work in progress. It’s hard to read the book while trying to enforce my own self esteem when I have none to enforce. It is the pitfall of such a task because you don’t believe you are worth it in the first place. None of this is meant to be victimish, just self-realizing.

I wore my boots out tonight for the first time in a few months. I went to a TES meeting on boot worship. I remembered why I like someone at my feet. Why I like someone dedicating their effort to my boots, and why it turns me on. It makes me wish I had a particular boy to do mine. But honestly, right now I don’t feel I would be worthy of having them done. See where this enforcement thing becomes a problem?

According to Brenden the best way to get and maintain self esteem is to do things to improve and encourage it. Also where the saying “believe your own hype” comes from. If you believe, you start to act it. If you act it, you start to be it. If you be it, you start to reap the benefits of it from yourself and others. And on continues to positive cycle. But getting that particular ball of energy rolling is not so easy.

It’s my hope to add my thoughts on how to achieve it as I figure it out myself. So feel free to look back here on my progress.

I believe I’m going to start doing my “Daily Five” to increase my focus on positive aspects. It’s always helped in the past…perhaps it will help again.

• Have stuck to my “diet” plan for a full week
• Have lost 3lbs
• Completed a large part of work on CrystalProgramming.com
• Made myself go out and be social
• Made myself get up and do work
• Helped someone important to me
• Wrote on my blog
• Got my shit emotionally and mentally a little bit more together
• Laughed today

Sorry its been a while since I updated. Even the twitters are a little behind. Some of you might have seen twitters about taco bell or japanese writing. I have no idea how someone else got on my page but those were not my twitters.

Believe me, I would have known if I’d gone to Taco Bell. I’ve been good about my food since last Wed. I took Sunday half off and spent about 900 calories on a large coke and cheesy tots. I’ve lost 4lbs since just changing my food and I should be able to see a greater loss as I work out with the food change. I’ve been sick since Sat night though so I haven’t really had much energy to work out.

I wrote about 322 words on Caged as you might have seen from a twitter. With the insistent urging of a very dear friend I put my butt in a chair and wrote. I’m having good hopes for a book from the concept. I have to sit down and plot out the story though. I know the beginning…I know the end. As always I don’t know the middle.

DragonCon is soon and I”m looking forward to it. I’m also really looking forward to my trip to Alaska with my parents. It’s gonna be nice to be on vacation.

I’ve been reading some stuff on self-esteem to see if I can correct some things in me. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Relationships are ok I guess. Things are good with the family, though occasionally bumpy like all families are. Outside relationships are….undefined and leave me occasionally insecure but I’m dealing. Again I say…I hate this growing up thing.

I’m back off to rest so I get better. I’m hoping to work on at least ONE of my podcasts soon. I’ll keep you informed.

People tell you that if you don’t have anything good to say then don’t say anything at all. I guess I’ve kinda taken that to heart. Sometimes a depressive entry slips out and I end up looking like a victim. I’m so tired of being a self-dedicated victim. Growing up is fucking hard.

I keep so many things to myself then I use to. I still call my mom and confide in her now and then. Rarely, very rarely, I share something going on in my head with a friend but I am such a bad friend when it comes to being there for people that I try not to do that to them. I hate being someone who is all in your face when the crap is hitting the fan and then never calls you when life is peachy. Some of my friends tell me that it’s ok if I do that. It’s not ok with me.

It seems really odd to be 35 and just now working on actually growing up. Making money, going out by myself, worrying about important things like my health, etc., learning how to control my emotions and work out my own problems. This is not something that I should have put off this long.

Stress has been like my shadow the last few months with all the things going on in my life…family (leather and bio), karate, significant individuals I care about, my own growth. Nothing to do but wade through it and come out the end, hopefully wiser and happier.

I’ve written fucking Emo poetry lately for god’s sake. Don’t worry my meds are fully working so I can look at all the stress with a detached sort of annoyance that has to be dealt with but it makes me wonder how everyone on the planet deals.

I’m battling between my child-like urge to just skip merrily along and not look at the BIG PICTURE but live in the moment putting all the stress of decisions to the side for later to let them work themselves out and the part of me that says grownups plan for the future and figure out a plan then systematically push through them to a conclusion.

………

I know…I haven’t written. I have twittered. You guys don’t know if I”m alive, or ok or what. I’m sorry. I’ve no excuses I want to put out there. Needless to say I’m ok. I’m alive. I’m working on it.

I’ll write more later. Promise