A while back when I was examining my self-esteem problem one of the books I got was called “The Six Pillars of Self Esteem” by Nathaniel Branden. I picked it up and put it down. I identified with some of the stuff he talked about. Truth is I need to start from the beginning.

Tat started reading it and we’re all gonna finish it. I’ll do that when she’s done with it. But since Daddy took her to the path this morning I was sitting around waiting for him to get back before I fall back into a coma for a bit. I picked up the book from where I left off and the section I am reading is on “living consciously”.

As many of us know…I am the queen of avoidance. I can avoid like no other. Amusing since I also can self anyalise really well to. (btw I”m too tired to worry about my spelling so deal with it ) The section I started reading talks about how in order to live in things that may not be good for us (like drugs, toxic relationships, etc) we must first turn down our ability to “see” by use of other methods like avoidance. In the book’s example…you can later go “i should have known x would happen if I indulged in “pick a bad thing”.” But that at the time you are in those situations if you don’t live consciously it’s easy /not to see/. I do this all the time. It’s something I have to get over.

He recommends sitting down each morning for a few days and writing “If I bring a higher level of consciousness to “x” (my relationship, the way I act when I do x) I see that…” and just write ten things off the top of your head that you realize about that you can /see/ what you are usually attempting to avoid seeing. And that this can help you live life better as well as help your self-esteem. Keep in mind it’s possible to do this exercise and get good results. I did it for a few things in my life and at least 2 of them listed all happy things I would see if I only paid attention.

What I haven’t figured out (and maybe the book will get to it) is what you do when you do see but have a hard time accepting. When you see but you don’t /want/ to see and how you make changes in yourself to live better and to your potential. So…when I find out…if I find out…I’ll let you know.

This has been your daily revelation. You can now go back to whatever you were doing. Thanks for playing.

My fans should know I love to dance. I should go dancing more often but right now I’m not to going by myself. Tonight though I got to go back to a Zumba (latin style aerobics dance class) at the gym. Interestingly enough this was their first night back doing it. I did a whole hour. I had to modify some of it a bit because my muscles weren’t happy with the jumpy parts and I needed to slow down a few times but I think doing an hour of dance routines is awesome.

I was thrilled to find out that the head of the fitness classes was in the room and I got to beg her for more dance like classes. She seemed happy for the advice and here’s to hoping we get more of those. Then I’ll just have to figure out how to get in my 30 mins of weight training on nights I do an hour of dance.

One thing I’m not sure about though is that when I get very into my workout my face turns all red. It happened today during the class and the day before when I did 30 mins of eliptical on lv 3. I looked a little on the net and with my lame google foo skills found one or two things that said it wasn’t bad but nothing that told me why it happens, etc. So if you have good google foo tell me ok!

I took the last two days off to be emotional apparently and I’m hoping in the morning I’ll shake that shit off and get back to writing and being productive. I’m not the queen of avoidance for nothing and while I’m not trying to avoid stuff….placing a little perspective in there might be useful.

Oh and I have one of the cool new avatars on Xbox so you can find me there at (duh) Kimikodreams

Sa’ll for now. Maybe an episode of Angel is in order. (Tabz I really want a part in Angel between the lines next year!)

I was asked to post some good things about myself. I’m SO not in the mood to do a post like this and I’m sure it’s not remotely going to be enough…but beggers can’ be choosers and the fact that this post is even here should say something.

So here’s a tossed off list of things that are good about me before I go to the gym…

*i AM making an effort to go to the gym and dedicating my time even when i don’t want to do do it
*i created a concept, proposed, recorded, edited and published a product for someone i admire and it came out well
*i came up with an entire plot and ending by myself (with a little side help)
*i handled tesfest security and volunteering at the last few events (many people said i did a good job)
*i’ve kept to my word about not lying for the last several months
*i’ve kept my code of not saying things to intentionally hurt people even when i really want to
*i continue to fight even when i want to give in
*i have created, recorded, edited, and produced several good podcasts
*i won “best webcam girl” one year
*i have a way of making connections with people
*i have a talent for reading body langauge and helping people sometimes
*i’m occasionally very photogenic

that’s all you get. it’s all i can manage for the moment….later

I know it’s been forever since I blogged here. Best explination I can offer is that I needed time off. I just needed time to feel ok about posting again. I guess it’s time to get back on the horse and start feeling like life is normal again. It’s not fully, but what was that phrase….”fake it till you make it”?

Things are going ok. Daddy is still treating me better then I feel I deserve and lots of things are being worked on in all areas. I’ve been writing more. Been going to the gym regularly. Making an effort to be closer and good to my families. I haven’t lied knowingly except for once and I ended up coming clean with my Mom on that lie.

My motivation has been coming and going over the last week or two. I’m in the process of seeing if it has anything to do with taking (or in this case…not taking) the Xanax. When I went to see my psychaitrist she was pretty upset that my primary care doctor had given it to me. Both she and my therapist are concerned of the possibility of addiction and I get that. But she’s also under this impression that Xanax often kills people…thru various means. So I spent about two weeks actively refusing myself the Xanax when I felt like I needed it.

After a phone call to my mom where I felt a bit unstable I agreed that maybe I was being a little TOO cautious. I’ve felt better over the last two days but I’m keeping track to see if that’s due to other factors like active focus on my accomplishments, etc or if the help of the Xanax is a factor. Regardless I plan to talk to my psychatrist soon and I’m thinking of going to see an Endocrinologist to double check that all my chemistry is good. See I have a plan. LOL

I’ve been using the laptop a lot more and getting more writing done. I’m on Chapter 3 of Guardians and I actually finished mostof my plot points and wrote the ending in my head the other night. For the most part I feel like all that’s left to do is just write it. A very interesting feeling since it’s the first time I’ve felt that way. LOL

Other then those things….that’s about all that’s going on. Puppycat has been a wonderful companion and I’m feeling very blessed to have him around. (Thanks Tat!) I’m looking foward to more outside activities. I’m hoping to go ice skating soon now that my fricken sinus and ear infection is primarily over.

I have links I’m going to post soon so be on the look out for that. For now I just wanted to get something posted.