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believe it or not

I was asked to post some good things about myself. I’m SO not in the mood to do a post like this and I’m sure it’s not remotely going to be enough…but beggers can’ be choosers and the fact that this post is even here should say something.

So here’s a tossed off list of things that are good about me before I go to the gym…

*i AM making an effort to go to the gym and dedicating my time even when i don’t want to do do it
*i created a concept, proposed, recorded, edited and published a product for someone i admire and it came out well
*i came up with an entire plot and ending by myself (with a little side help)
*i handled tesfest security and volunteering at the last few events (many people said i did a good job)
*i’ve kept to my word about not lying for the last several months
*i’ve kept my code of not saying things to intentionally hurt people even when i really want to
*i continue to fight even when i want to give in
*i have created, recorded, edited, and produced several good podcasts
*i won “best webcam girl” one year
*i have a way of making connections with people
*i have a talent for reading body langauge and helping people sometimes
*i’m occasionally very photogenic

that’s all you get. it’s all i can manage for the moment….later

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19. Nov, 2008
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I know…I know

I know it’s been forever since I blogged here. Best explination I can offer is that I needed time off. I just needed time to feel ok about posting again. I guess it’s time to get back on the horse and start feeling like life is normal again. It’s not fully, but what was that phrase….”fake it till you make it”?

Things are going ok. Daddy is still treating me better then I feel I deserve and lots of things are being worked on in all areas. I’ve been writing more. Been going to the gym regularly. Making an effort to be closer and good to my families. I haven’t lied knowingly except for once and I ended up coming clean with my Mom on that lie.

My motivation has been coming and going over the last week or two. I’m in the process of seeing if it has anything to do with taking (or in this case…not taking) the Xanax. When I went to see my psychaitrist she was pretty upset that my primary care doctor had given it to me. Both she and my therapist are concerned of the possibility of addiction and I get that. But she’s also under this impression that Xanax often kills people…thru various means. So I spent about two weeks actively refusing myself the Xanax when I felt like I needed it.

After a phone call to my mom where I felt a bit unstable I agreed that maybe I was being a little TOO cautious. I’ve felt better over the last two days but I’m keeping track to see if that’s due to other factors like active focus on my accomplishments, etc or if the help of the Xanax is a factor. Regardless I plan to talk to my psychatrist soon and I’m thinking of going to see an Endocrinologist to double check that all my chemistry is good. :) See I have a plan. LOL

I’ve been using the laptop a lot more and getting more writing done. I’m on Chapter 3 of Guardians and I actually finished mostof my plot points and wrote the ending in my head the other night. For the most part I feel like all that’s left to do is just write it. A very interesting feeling since it’s the first time I’ve felt that way. LOL :)

Other then those things….that’s about all that’s going on. Puppycat has been a wonderful companion and I’m feeling very blessed to have him around. (Thanks Tat!) I’m looking foward to more outside activities. I’m hoping to go ice skating soon now that my fricken sinus and ear infection is primarily over.

I have links I’m going to post soon so be on the look out for that. For now I just wanted to get something posted.

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17. Nov, 2008
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Please Help!

Hi everyone. I need your help! Please take my poll at http://tinyurl.com/5lnkcc

A TC episode is also coming to explain why I’m asking and where I’m at! It’ll be a good one. I’m really hyped about progress!

More then anything I need to know if you’d feel gyped if an episode was under 15 mins. Thanx!

Btw…I’m participating in a new blog doing video blogs at the moment. If you’d like to see go to http://www.atomalon.com

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28. Oct, 2008
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Probably won't make sense to anyone but me…

I got up cause I was coughing alot and I couldn’t sleep. Daddy and I saw Eagle Eye tonight. I didn’t want comfort food…I wanted a comfort activity and my brain said “movie”. He was nice enough to oblige and we went out for a 12:30am showing. The movie was awesome. Shia was gorgeous. It’s exactly what I wanted it to be. :)

Anyway, I’m still sick and when we went to lay down I tossed and turned and coughed. So I got up so I wouldn’t wake him up and thought maybe I could do a little work while I was still awake. My machine was slow so I rebooted and rooted around for anything that might be slowing it down. Found some files in the delete bin…got lost for a few minutes. It left me feeling really really ill so I rebooted and used the time to just calm my stomach down, get my head straight, focus. I looked above my desk while I waited and saw two things that called to me. 1) A piece of paper I just taped up the other day that Daddy brought home for me. 2) My tarot cards…this deck is for when I need to do a reading and I’m at my desk.

They were both important and good for me to remember. They won’t fully make sense to you probably…but they do to me and I think in the future…some day I”m gonna look back on this post and go…”oh yeah…right!” and smile. That’s the hope anyway. I’ve made it impossible not to read ahead…I know….but I don’t really care much right now. LOL :)
(more…)

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27. Sep, 2008
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16. Sep, 2008
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My new Inspiration

This is my new inspiration for everything….including Raegan’s Themesong

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08. Sep, 2008
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Haven't forgotten about you

I plan on writing later today. I’ve been swamped with things I’m doing and haven’t had much time to get on the computer. :) I have recorded a few so I remember what I wanted to say though.

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30. Aug, 2008
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29. Aug, 2008
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Update 8-28-08

Hey! Well, if you are reading this…I’m glad you came back to the site. :) I’ve gotten a lot of really nice calls and emails in the last few days. I appreciate them all. I’ve been asked all kinds of questions and to sum it up..

1)no i don’t regret what I did because it was a good learning experience, the feelings I felt were real, I think it needed to happen in order to be in the place I currently am now and on the road to being a better person.

2) the fact that i was given whatever chance this one happens to fall on, it is not lost on me and i am glad that it’s being given to me because i believe everyone can change and grow and that’s why i tend to give chances to.

3)yes I am aware that eventually chances run out and it’s my intention to never have to repeat the experience of letting my fear rule me into making bad choices when it’s much more likely that if I do it right to begin with I have a better chance at what i’m working for.

4) yes i’m aware that if i go out in public, especially to give the meeting on service on Sept 16th i may be challenged and/or criticized and as per the advice i was given by a friend, i am not going to continue to walk on eggshells…but let that girl go and being to be the new and improved me (with downy soft freshness). should it happen…i will have an answer

5) no i am not going to name names because to me it would feel as if I blamed that person for my lies and i don’t. this is about what “I” did. if you wish to know they were involved i’m sure either someone who knows is already planning on telling you or they will write their own blog.

I’m sure there are more but I’ve been up all night trying to get a project done which sadly I was not able to finish. It will be done when I return from DragonCon. There’s interesting stuff to read on Tale Chasing and I released a teaser for Guardians on the site.

Any pictures, posts, or recordings will likely go on Tale Chasing as my purpose in going involves mostly my writing and podcasting. So check there for cool stuff about my trip! Now…I finish getting stuff ready so I can go sleep on the plane. *smiles*

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28. Aug, 2008
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Very Interesting….

Self-Confidence

As someone with high self-confidence, you feel quite comfortable interacting with other people. Indeed, you find the company of others very stimulating and enjoy meeting new people. Your relaxed demeanor in groups makes people around you comfortable too. Perhaps because you feel comfortable talking about yourself, others tend to enjoy being around you and perceive you as socially competent.

The confidence that helps you feel comfortable talking to people also spills into your own personal beliefs about yourself. Although you have several strengths, it’s likely that you also acknowledge and accept your weaknesses. But unlike some people, you take full responsibility for your actions—you rarely regret things you’ve done in the past and are not embarrassed easily.

Perhaps the defining feature that sets you apart from most people is the exceptionally high standards that you set for yourself. Your competence in social gatherings as well as at work should provide ample evidence for this. With these characteristics, it’s very likely that people come to you for advice and generally think of you as someone with leader-like qualities.

Self-Control

The self-control personality dimension captures the way in which a person regulates and directs him or herself. Being low in self-control can be both good and bad. Occasionally people may be compelled to follow their intuitions and give in to their temptations, and your degree of self-control makes this likely to happen more often than not. This can be good in circumstances where being relaxed and open are important. However, in situations where it is necessary to be focused and careful, you might find that you do or say things that may be inappropriate.

As someone who exerts little control over your actions, you may find that you commit social blunders that might offend other people and get yourself in trouble. For example, if you’re given responsibility to work on a project that requires close attention to detail, you may be likely to overlook important details because you have difficulty staying focused. Consequently, you might feel more comfortable delegating such tasks to other people who are more detail oriented. Being able to recognize such characteristics in yourself and having more detail-oriented people do such tasks could be an effective way to manage your own stress level.

Low self-control may diminish your effectiveness at work. Acting too relaxed can make it difficult for you to focus on projects that require organized sequences of steps or stages. Thus, your ability to accomplish may be inconsistent. Indeed, it’s possible that you might be criticized periodically for being unreliable or unable to “stay within the lines.” Nonetheless, you may still experience many short-lived pleasures and never be thought of as boring.

Openness

As someone high in openness, you have a strong appreciation for beauty, both in art and nature. Indeed, it’s likely that you are easily absorbed in music and art, as well as natural phenomena. Another aspect of your openness is your emotional insight; that is, you probably have good access to and awareness of your own emotions.

Another aspect of the openness dimension is the tendency to think about abstract concepts and ideas. This thinking style may take the form of artistic and metaphorical use of language, and/or music composition or performance. Thus, it is likely that, either in your work or spare time, you enjoy activities that get your “creative juices” flowing.

Your tendency to be open-minded can have advantages and disadvantages. For instance, when there are no clear rules about how to approach a particular problem, your openness makes it easier for you to identify new ways to solve problems that might not be very obvious to people that are not as open as you are. In contrast, you may be bored easily in situations that lack high amounts of intellectual stimulation. In such cases, you might have difficulty excelling on projects that do not provide much stimulation or require much creative thinking.

Easygoingness

Easygoingness refers to one’s ability to relax. Based on your score, you appear to “take things as they come” and enjoy having a good time. However, being high in easygoingness also has the potential to produce stress in a number of ways. For example, you may find it difficult to complete tasks thoroughly and efficiently. In this way, being high in easygoingness cannot only make your life difficult, but also the lives of the people around you. Another potential problem with being too high in easygoingness is that it can provide you with gratification in the short-term, but in the long-term provide undesirable consequences.

High easygoingness, even when not seriously destructive, may also diminish your effectiveness at work, for example. You may find it aversive and difficult to put in all the effort that may sometimes be needed to effectively accomplish certain tasks. For this reason, your colleagues might view you as forgetful and unfocused.

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27. Aug, 2008