Ok wow…

1) It’s been a LONG time since I’ve updated and for that I’m sorry. So much has happened and I sorta just assume most people keep up with via my Twitter. But then again I don’t share everything there either.

2) I was noticing today that this site’s journal entries go back 10 years. That’s …amazing. Obviously for those who first came to the site in 95, you know it was very different. A porn site at first and then a webcam site…and then it was turned into my personal journal. This site has been going almost as long as I’ve been in my relationship with @soulhuntre

Anyway…..there are tons to update. There is some re-decorating that needs to be done. But we’ll take it one day at a time. Reading back from the beginning has me missing sharing day to day things.

I’ve been meaning to share some things in particular anyway like what’s up with those pesky headaches I had. How the depression is being handled. How my mom is doing. What was up with hearing we moved someone in to take care of her. How my dad’s doing and what is it we heard about him putting a tattoo of you on his chest? What’s going on with your podcasts and now we hear you are a voice actress? And what the hell is up with pole and lap dancing….

OH and how the hell are Soulhuntre aka Daddy and Tatsumi.

So much to tell…and tell you I will.

For now…I”m off to sleep on cam like the old days! Feel free to come watch if you like!

Excuse me..are my intestines showing?

Up until today I thought I’d lived through a really stressful period in my life. Honestly, I really didn’t see how it could get much more stressful then I spent a few years ago.

I’m reminded of “Kill Bill”. “You didn’t think it was going to be that easy did you?”

“Yeah…I really kinda did.”

Two weeks ago when I came to the hospital everday with Daddy and Tatsumi to visit my mom who was on a ventilator, I couldn’t show up without feeling like I was going to throw up. I even did once. I’ve been here all of about 30 hours and I want to turn tail and run like a little kid. I’d say my mom’s dog but at this point I’m fairly certain she has more guts then I have.

Don’t get me wrong. Let’s be positive here. My mom is SO much better then she was. She’s conscious, she’s speaking and off all the lines of meds and the ventilator. She has kidney function and despite a LITTLE bit of crud in her lungs her BIGGEST issues are pain (from laying on her back), a very dry mouth (from the feeding tube and them holding off on allowing her much more then a bit of ice to make sure she doesn’t allow anything to slip back into her lungs until the throat muscles are better, and very very very dry skin and some bed sores we’ll fix. When that feeding tube comes out, when she can drink and eat, when the pain is managable…I’m pretty sure she’s going to be talking and conversing JUST FINE.

But the dry mouth and the pain are eating her alive. Obviously not litterally but it sure feels that way to her right now I’m sure. And there isn’t SHIT I can do about it. Hearing your loved one repreat over and over “hurry” “hurts” “water” and “please” and the most you can do is repeat…”they are coming” or “I can’t let you have anything” hurts just about as much as some of the worst headaches I’ve had.

I’ve cried twice today and I still don’t know what I’m suppose to do tomorrow when she says all that all over again. I didn’t know what was worse yesterday…seeing her on the ventilator or hearing her say “hurry” until the meds made her pass out not sure if she is only saying that cause she’s not all there. Now I don’t know what’s worse, not knowing if she has some mental loss and doesn’t know she’s saying that or knowing for a fact that she’s full aware and in as much need as she’s demanding.

I’m not writing all this to get comments. I’m writing because though I wish and hope none of you ever have to go through this there’s a chance you might and I want you to be prepared and have some idea about what this is like. Hopefully, I’m going to have better tips in a week about how to handle the stress, what to do when they need something you can’t give them, how to not feel like you are falling down on the ones you love who are hurting watching along with you, and how to keep your life going in the process.

For today….all I can do is be proud that I signed up to curves, worked out, helped my Dad, was there for my mom to feed her ice/put lotion on her and help them move her in the bed, got my shit together twice, handled a couple phone calls well, took some pics that Daddy needed and got them to him and didn’t run out on my mom and my dad when it all got too scary to feel like I could deal with.

I have other gremlins running around in my head threatening my sanity and as soon as I find an “Overloard” with a big ass foot I’m gonna kick them really hard and tell em to get their damn pumpkins on and start marching. Till then, I think it’s bed time. I’ll be getting up every few hours to make sure the dog doesn’t poop on the carpet and then getting up at 7 to go workout before I get my dad up to run some errands.

I didn’t manage to write today and I’m sorry about that but maybe I’ll work it in tomorrow. Tomorrow I’ll try and tell you about something cool that happened while I was working out that involves Guardians.

Laters. I’m tweeting most things and you can find them at http://www.twitter.com/kimidreams

Another Update – What's going on Now??

Hey gang! Wow when it rains it pours…or maybe that’s just a framing thing. ;)

You all know about what my plans were in June about getting my health and meds straightened out. Here is it in August and it’s not fully settled but we’ve gone through some changes and in the mean time more things have hit the fan causing a delay in my projects.

So here I am to tell you about all that and give you an update.

  • My sleep schedule is not fully correct but it’s better
  • My food isn’t great but it’s getting better
  • My psych meds have been changed and aren’t set but are holding me together…still looking for a Dr for that
  • I’m off my pain meds but still having headaches daily…we’re still looking for a Dr for that.
  • I haven’t been able to work out like I need to…I have nothing but excuses for that one.
    And then I got thrown another curve ball. Two weeks ago my mother went into ICU. Her kidneys shut down, she wasn’t coherent, and things were just bad. I, Soulhuntre, and Tatsumi all went to Kansas for five days. She slowly got better but was still not off the sedation when I left. It was decided that as she got better and when she was close to leaving the hospital I would come back and help her and my Dad.

Her kidney’s are now functioning, she’s still being fed through IV but the ventilator came out and she’s not on all the huge lines of medication she was. It’s hard to say how long she’ll remain in ICU because we’ve now got to get her to be able to sit up as well as talk again before they can move her to a regular room and then hopefully home. My father who can’t drive again by himself until December will be needing my help to drive him around to the hospital, to errands, and to meetings.  All things considered…I think I handled this little crisis pretty damn well. I couldn’t have done as well though without Soulhuntre and Tatsumi. The support I received from my friends and my twitter pals was really great as well so thank you.

So where does that leave me and my projects, other then “behind”? Well it had been my intention to take the laptop with me to work while in Kansas. I may be gone as long as 3 weeks to a month. But it blew up on me. So I’ll be taking pen and paper and if NOTHING else writing on Guardians so that I can just crank it out to my actors and into audio form.

I’ve canceled a few voice overs I was going to be doing. I’ve made arrangements for the voice overs I can still do. I won’t be able to go to DragonCon which I’m very bummed about because I wanted to record the meetings and hang out with some of my new UF writing friends.

And I’ll be eating correctly and walking my mom’s dog alot while I’m gone to see if I can keep up with the loosing weight. The only thing I don’t have taken care of really is what happens if I run out of pain meds but I’ll be talking to my Dr. before I leave on Monday about that. I got samples for the psch meds I need so I am good on that.

This week will see me updating all the bills so Soulhuntre can do that while I”m away. I’ve made some deals with WndWolf of Wonder Radio to do some editing for me for TaleChasing and I’m going to try and get an PIP episode up before I have to go. I have a few TC eps that can go up and I’ll be taking along the Zoom for totally raw updates.

I think that pretty much covers it. It’s my intention to get Guardians back on track and going without loosing to many of you in the mean time. To keep myself sane I will repeat the wise words told to me by lots of people I admire: “If anyone complains tell them you’ll be returning their money as soon as you can….oh wait….they aren’t paying for it.”

Seriously, it means bunches to me that you are all supportive and sticking with me.

Love ya,

Kimi

Follow me on Twitter at KimiDreams if you want updates or call 201.830.1586 to leave comments.

Quick update

Hey Gang! Good news. We have a plan! There is an audio version of the post below with a bit more rambling info. There is an amendment at the end of the audio (last 5 mins) explaining what the Dr wants. :)

Feel free to listen or look for twitters on how I’m doing. :)

The real deets with my current state of being

Its been so long since I’ve updated here I can’t even remember what I said last. No I’m not cheating by going and looking it up. As you know most of my time is spent working on TaleChasing or GuardiansNovel. Almost every other lifestyle update goes on twitter.

However, this post kind of applies to all of them and it’s too long for twitter. :) So I’m updating you all here. :)

Ever since Oct 08 I’ve been working with an (as much as possible) honesty motto. This is hard to do when you’ve promised to be totally up front and above board with how you are doing your projects when you are slightly embarrassed and ashamed of some of the life-changes you are still working on changing. Things like procrastination, talking about your health (because it generally comes off whiny and honestly unless you’re waiting for a major organ transplant you aint got THAT much to complain about), bad habits, etc.

So for the keen observer I leave hints around when I’m less then eager to share what’s going on because I’m “ashamed” of what’s going on. When I say ashamed I’m not talking cause I’m like killing puppies and don’t want anyone to find out…I’m talking about sleeping more then I feel I should be, putting of working out or getting work on one of my projects done (no matter how legit, or not, the reasons) or just pissy, depressed or annoyed. The biggest hint is that I don’t twitter or update anything.

Over the last week and change I’ve been recovering from the flu and slowly really taking notice of how my medical cocktail seems to be failing me. I’m horridly tired constantly, I’m less then thrilled about doing things I WANT to do let alone things I need to do, I haven’t really talked to anyone, and my head has been killing me and I often feel sick.

So long story short and many tedious details left out, I went to the Dr today that we seem to like and just said…this is what’s going on…doesn’t seem like what I’m doing is working…what do we do? Here’s what the current plan is:

  • She’s going to cover me until I can replace my therapist and psychiatrist
  • She’s helping me find said doctors with the limits I have on my resources
  • I have to get a set schedule of sleep. I need to sleep regularly and for a decent amount of time without waking up in between. The intent is to try to normalize my sleep pattern (mood, body and headache)
  • I have to find an hour a day (and try and do it in some sort of schedule) to work out. Working up to at least an hour of cardio (help for my mood and my fitness health)
  • I need to eat 4 to 6 times a day working with the limits I have for calorie count and record it (mood and fitness as well as some headache maintenance)
  • I need to figure out how much caffeine I’m getting a day and regulate it. Don’t go over and don’t go under (this will help moderate some of my headaches)
  • She gave me prednisone to try and stop the headache cycle I’m in (cause it sux big time)
  • She gave me some pain meds to try that are different then what I’d been put on (she wasn’t happy with what they’d given me)
  • The plan is to change my mood meds once I get a different dr because what I have is obviously not right for me

So I have to start slowly doing this and keep a record of how it goes then see her in a week.

I’m writing about this for a few reasons:

  • My stated transparent policy – I hope that someone who has the same issues or is working on the same things realizes they aren’t alone or gets tips on how to help themselves through what I’m doing
  • I know many of you like to know what is going on with me and I don’t want to leave you in the dark when I feel ok about sharing
  • (And the hardest to write down) To give those who are following me and my projects an updated status to perhaps explain why things are going a little slower then we’d all like them – and to tell those people who are attempting similar projects that they aren’t alone if they have issues they are working to overcome while working their way to the top. :)

So there ya got it! ;) What’s the plan and how does it fit with my projects?

  1. Start getting the headaches lower so I can function
  2. Start working on eating and sleeping right to help me be awake to function
  3. Get right on that therapist/psych to get the meds right so my motivation gets fixed
  4. Begin the workouts as soon as 1 is a bit better. Tiredness is easier to work through then pain. :)
  5. Start to slowly pick at my to do list (small stuff first) until 1 and 2 are starting to pick up and I can focus on more/larger to do things in a day (and not beat myself up about it or think that people think I’m horrible)

Some of you might be wondering what this means for the kind of alternative lifestyle I lead. The gist of my duties was mostly to be available 24/7 for Daddy. The main change which is scheduling sleep, food, and working out kind of hampers this a bit. The good news is he’s talked to me about it and totally on board with working with me and the Dr to make this happen. There is a lot to do as you can see from above but in general we’ll begin working on me getting food and working out set (we’re working on that anyway for our working goals). What that means for my frequent checks on him is that we’ll arrange a number of hours as downtime in a row to normalize my sleep. There’s more but it’s taken me like 2 hours to write this post and we can talk about it later.

As for Guardians and TaleChasing I’m still on track but while these few things get stable I’m a little slower on the deadlines. You’ll however be able to see how things are getting better as I get on a more maintainable and steady turn out schedule for those projects. I’m going to be keeping tabs on all of this via Twitter, Tale Chasing and Guardians and Hash Kaizen.

I understand that’s a lot of places to look and don’t expect you to. But this is where you’ll be able to look if you want to check in on how things are going. :) I expect that Chapter 3 of Guardians will be released the second week of July due to issues with above and my actors being slightly unavailable this coming week. I’ll keep you up to date on that.

Yay! I finished the post. LOL

The real deets with my current state of being

Its been so long since I’ve updated here I can’t even remember what I said last. No I’m not cheating by going and looking it up. As you know most of my time is spent working on TaleChasing or GuardiansNovel. Almost every other lifestyle update goes on twitter.

However, this post kind of applies to all of them and it’s too long for twitter. :) So I’m updating you all here. :)

Ever since Oct 08 I’ve been working with an (as much as possible) honesty motto. This is hard to do when you’ve promised to be totally up front and above board with how you are doing your projects when you are slightly embarrassed and ashamed of some of the life-changes you are still working on changing. Things like procrastination, talking about your health (because it generally comes off whiny and honestly unless you’re waiting for a major organ transplant you aint got THAT much to complain about), bad habits, etc.

So for the keen observer I leave hints around when I’m less then eager to share what’s going on because I’m “ashamed” of what’s going on. When I say ashamed I’m not talking cause I’m like killing puppies and don’t want anyone to find out…I’m talking about sleeping more then I feel I should be, putting of working out or getting work on one of my projects done (no matter how legit, or not, the reasons) or just pissy, depressed or annoyed. The biggest hint is that I don’t twitter or update anything.

Over the last week and change I’ve been recovering from the flu and slowly really taking notice of how my medical cocktail seems to be failing me. I’m horridly tired constantly, I’m less then thrilled about doing things I WANT to do let alone things I need to do, I haven’t really talked to anyone, and my head has been killing me and I often feel sick.

So long story short and many tedious details left out, I went to the Dr today that we seem to like and just said…this is what’s going on…doesn’t seem like what I’m doing is working…what do we do? Here’s what the current plan is:

  • She’s going to cover me until I can replace my therapist and psychiatrist
  • She’s helping me find said doctors with the limits I have on my resources
  • I have to get a set schedule of sleep. I need to sleep regularly and for a decent amount of time without waking up in between. The intent is to try to normalize my sleep pattern (mood, body and headache)
  • I have to find an hour a day (and try and do it in some sort of schedule) to work out. Working up to at least an hour of cardio (help for my mood and my fitness health)
  • I need to eat 4 to 6 times a day working with the limits I have for calorie count and record it (mood and fitness as well as some headache maintenance)
  • I need to figure out how much caffeine I’m getting a day and regulate it. Don’t go over and don’t go under (this will help moderate some of my headaches)
  • She gave me prednisone to try and stop the headache cycle I’m in (cause it sux big time)
  • She gave me some pain meds to try that are different then what I’d been put on (she wasn’t happy with what they’d given me)
  • The plan is to change my mood meds once I get a different dr because what I have is obviously not right for me

So I have to start slowly doing this and keep a record of how it goes then see her in a week.

I’m writing about this for a few reasons:

  • My stated transparent policy – I hope that someone who has the same issues or is working on the same things realizes they aren’t alone or gets tips on how to help themselves through what I’m doing
  • I know many of you like to know what is going on with me and I don’t want to leave you in the dark when I feel ok about sharing
  • (And the hardest to write down) To give those who are following me and my projects an updated status to perhaps explain why things are going a little slower then we’d all like them – and to tell those people who are attempting similar projects that they aren’t alone if they have issues they are working to overcome while working their way to the top. :)

So there ya got it! ;) What’s the plan and how does it fit with my projects?

  1. Start getting the headaches lower so I can function
  2. Start working on eating and sleeping right to help me be awake to function
  3. Get right on that therapist/psych to get the meds right so my motivation gets fixed
  4. Begin the workouts as soon as 1 is a bit better. Tiredness is easier to work through then pain. :)
  5. Start to slowly pick at my to do list (small stuff first) until 1 and 2 are starting to pick up and I can focus on more/larger to do things in a day (and not beat myself up about it or think that people think I’m horrible)

Some of you might be wondering what this means for the kind of alternative lifestyle I lead. The gist of my duties was mostly to be available 24/7 for Daddy. The main change which is scheduling sleep, food, and working out kind of hampers this a bit. The good news is he’s talked to me about it and totally on board with working with me and the Dr to make this happen. There is a lot to do as you can see from above but in general we’ll begin working on me getting food and working out set (we’re working on that anyway for our working goals). What that means for my frequent checks on him is that we’ll arrange a number of hours as downtime in a row to normalize my sleep. There’s more but it’s taken me like 2 hours to write this post and we can talk about it later.

As for Guardians and TaleChasing I’m still on track but while these few things get stable I’m a little slower on the deadlines. You’ll however be able to see how things are getting better as I get on a more maintainable and steady turn out schedule for those projects. I’m going to be keeping tabs on all of this via Twitter, Tale Chasing and Guardians and Hash Kaizen.

I understand that’s a lot of places to look and don’t expect you to. But this is where you’ll be able to look if you want to check in on how things are going. :) I expect that Chapter 3 of Guardians will be released the second week of July due to issues with above and my actors being slightly unavailable this coming week. I’ll keep you up to date on that.

Yay! I finished the post. LOL

Chapter 2 of Guardians is LIVE

Chapter 2 of Guardians is live and kicking!

The Story up to now: Regan, a bodyguard for celebrities and socialites, escorts the mayor’s son to a museum benefit for a religious archeologist seeking more money. Before we get to find out much about the Dr or the people at the party, we find out that her contact Andre is missing, her sister goes out of her way to guilt her into coming to see her the next day and then that something is wrong that an old friend and one of the venue security think she needs to be in on. Find out what happens next in Chapter 2

Chapter 2 of Guardians is LIVE

Chapter 2 of Guardians is live and kicking!

The Story up to now: Regan, a bodyguard for celebrities and socialites, escorts the mayor’s son to a museum benefit for a religious archeologist seeking more money. Before we get to find out much about the Dr or the people at the party, we find out that her contact Andre is missing, her sister goes out of her way to guilt her into coming to see her the next day and then that something is wrong that an old friend and one of the venue security think she needs to be in on. Find out what happens next in Chapter 2

Win a 4GB Zune at Balticon (Giving away 2)

To celebrate the release of my first chapter of Guardians at Balticon, I am giving away 2 4gig Zunes and maybe a few other small prizes. There are a few ways for you to enter and win one of these great prizes!! The easiest way is to come to the LIVE taping of TaleChasing on Sunday at 6pm in the Chesapeake Suite. Everyone who comes and stays until the drawing will get a ticket to win one of the two zunes.

Or, if you’d like to get creative and get an extra chance to win all you have to do is find some way to advertise the url and name of Guardians, then track me down at the convention and get your extra ticket. Write it on yourself, write it on a t-shirt or make a paper hat, post it on a sign on your back. I’ll even help you, several places around the Con I’ll put some temporary tattoos. Find one, wear it, and show me! And last but not least if you make such a big splash with your advertisement that I spot YOU in the crowd, I’ll come and give you 2 tickets.

Now you’re saying…but how on earth will I find you? Easy…I’m on two other panels and you can find those in the Balticon schedule. I’ll be at many of the new media and podcasting panels. I’ll be at the New Media Party on Saturday night. And I have twitter and I’ll be posting where I”m at and what I’m doing!

So…the info you need to know:
What to advertise: Guardians and http://www.guardiansnovel.com
My twitter acct: kimidreams
The drawing: Chesapeake Suite, Sunday at 6pm