Note: This was suppose to have gone up on Wednesday night. It didn’t get posted on time because of permission changes I didn’t know about. I’m still a down and having headaches but as always, I’m doing ok.
I’ve been weepy the last few days. I’d chalk it up to girl hormones but I think it’s more loose meds. Here’s hoping the insurance stuff comes quick once May starts. I was fairly depressed today to the point that I lost my mind and threw and attitude at Daddy. You know your meds are off when the man you’re suppose to be serving and willing to die for is given a huffy sigh for taking up the middle of HIS bed and talking on the phone doing work while you attempt sleep. How dare he work and be in his own bed while you SLEEP. Ug.
It only intensified my disgust that given my life…my drive and willpower amount to about zip. This is sad and very annoying when I sit here thinking of the things I want to accomplish with my life that I’m utterly failing to make happen with all the time in the world handed to me on a silver platter. Where’s the minimum of 30 mins of cardio a day from the eliptical or the zillion of workout tapes he’s given me? Where’s the weight training that should be happening on the Crosstrainer he provided me with? Where’s the manuscript that could be done with the hours a day and encouragement I get? Where’s the Brittney scale body when I am shown exactly what to do and how to get it? Makes me feel like a complete waste of space.
I’m sure some of this can be accounted for by meds. Sure some of it is hard due to headaches and a bad thryoid. The depression doesn’t help we all know. But even in the 10 years I’ve been here…it hasn’t all been headaches. And I haven’t always been off on meds. It’s all just utterly discouraging. Every night I lay in bed and watch videos or Next Top Model and go…tomorrow I’m going to start doing all those things I need to do. I have the time, I have the tools, I have the ability. And each day comes and my head hurts and the day passes, and I fuck off at my computer. It’s moments like this when I have to face the ugly accusations of “what do you really do all day/with your time?” and I have to admit it is fact.
Part of the time I decide not to write posts like this. If I don’t write…no one really knows how much leeway I get. How much time I really waste. Just how much I really don’t do at the capacity I could. No one knows about the jokes I get about how I’ve dedicated my life to a mission…sleep. Everyone thinks I’m super Kimi who works harder then most people they know, deals with more then anyone they know, lives a life most people wouldn’t live. Want the ugly truth? When people want to know what I get….it get the ability to skate by in life and not really have to put THAT much effort in. Bare minimum. It’s not his fault…10 years should be enough to instill dedication to ideals, a serious work ethic, at least a desire to not make the same mistakes over a billion times for a man you claim to want to die for.
The icon doesn’t truely fit…if it did you’d never have gotten this post.